Colonization: a family tradition
Inside the mind of Clallam County's Watchdog
This article, written by a guest contributor, offers an exclusive sneak peek at a profile of the Clallam County Watchdog, which will be published soon by a major national magazine.
I had arranged an interview with a self-proclaimed gay vegan in Washington State who, through a bizarre series of events, had been radicalized by far-right extremists into believing that taxpayers and citizens should have a say in how their own money is spent. A truly tragic case. This is the sixth installment in my “Bigot Busters” series for Hatewatch Weekly magazine. My subject, Jeff Tozzer, naively invited me to his home, seemingly unaware that I was the same journalist who had once exposed the Pillsbury Doughboy as a white nationalist in my acclaimed piece, White Flour or White Power?
I had the street address, but as I turned the corner on a particularly still spring day, it was obvious which house was his. There it was, a flagpole with a flag lifelessly wrapped around it, completely obscured. But I knew from the colors I could see, it was a typical “Stars and Bars” Confederate Flag—I had found another interviewee with extremist tendencies.
As I ascended the porch steps, movement caught my eye. A beekeeper, of all things, lifted his veil, pulled off a glove, and extended a hand.
“I’m Jeff Tozzer. You must be Justice Chase from Hatewatch Weekly. Nice to meet you.”
“You keep bees?” I asked, bewildered.
“Oh yeah,” he said. “My dad had an ant farm, my grandpa raised termites. I come from a long line of colonizers.”
Diversity, Equity, and Miguel
Inside, Tozzer invited me to sit in his library and even offered me an iced tea. Before I could respond, he called out:
“Miguel! Dos iced teas. Rapido!”
I heard glasses clinking from the kitchen.
“Is Miguel your husband?” I asked.
“No, our pool boy.”
“Nice to have a pool.”
“No, with property taxes going up, we had to choose between keeping the pool or keeping Miguel. We kept Miguel.”
Just then, Miguel entered with the drinks.
“Gracias, Miguel. Now vamoose!” Tozzer commanded, sending him scampering off.
“Wasn’t that a little harsh?” I asked.
“Who, Miguel?” Tozzer blinked. “Oh, we’re a very progressive employer, considering he won’t be advancing any higher than his current position. When we hired him, he claimed he had 1/16th American Blood, but we just got him tested, and it turns out he’s only 1/32nd. It’s a pity, really. But we let him stay.”
“Isn’t that racist?” I asked, incredulously.
“I thought so too at first,” Tozzer admitted. “But Commissioner Mike French explained to me that ‘American Blood’ is just a political preference, so it’s fine.”
Qualifications? I have gay credentials!
I moved into the interview carefully. “Some critics say you’re unqualified to run a blog about local issues.”
“I remind them that I am the first gay-identifying person to have a blog covering Clallam County,” Tozzer said proudly.
“Yes,” I pressed. “But what makes you qualified?”
“I just told you,” He said, eyes narrowing. “I’m the first gay one. So, I’m marginalized, disenfranchised, I’ve been historically wronged, and stuff.”
“Right, but do you have any background in journalism?”
“Are you being homophobic right now?” he countered. “Because if you’re attacking me, I have a fiercely independent pool boy who will be happy to show you the door.”
I apologized immediately.
Climate change: solved
“Let’s talk about your views on the Jamestown Tribe’s environmental efforts.”
“Oh, they’re the best environmental stewards around,” he nodded. “I read it in the paper. And I want to do my part. They get state money from gas taxes and the Climate Commitment Act to fight climate change, so I did the only responsible thing: I bought a Hummer. It gets eight miles per gallon, and I fill it up at the Longhouse gas station in Blyn. The more I drive, the more funding the Tribe gets to save the planet. Sometimes, when I get really worried about climate change, I just leave the Hummer idling in the driveway for a few hours. On Earth Day, I put a brick on the accelerator. It’s called activism.”
“Isn’t that adding to the climate crisis?” I asked.
“No, no,” Tozzer said, shaking his head. “The real solution is simple: more gas stations.”
Gambling our way to Utopia
“I hold great admiration for the Jamestown Tribe,” Tozzer continued. “They are wonderful community supporters. For instance, Washington State mandates paid maternity leave—they claim it allows women three months to bond with their newborns without the stress of losing income, and that it promotes gender equality. However, that isn't the case when you work for a foreign corporation like the Jamestown Tribe: women go unpaid after childbirth or are forced to use vacation time. That’s the way to do it! —Whose fault is it for becoming pregnant anyway? No, I’m not interested in rewarding behavior that fosters families and encourages bonding with newborns.
“Adding to that are the other community benefits like discounted cannabis, tax-free tobacco, and the casino that preys on the most financially vulnerable. True, it’s predatory to allow Jamestown Corporation employees to cash their paychecks with the casino cashier, steps away from a slot machine, but those poor individuals are just one spin away from being millionaires. If losing your fortune to a sovereign nation isn’t the American Dream as our founding fathers envisioned it, I don’t know what is.”
The other white meat
“Can we talk about the elephant in the room?” I asked, motioning to the giant taxidermied elephant head hanging on the wall of the library. “Aren’t those an endangered species?”
“Yes,” replied Tozzer. “I think they are, but he was so delicious. If there’s one thing Washington State has taught me, it’s that it’s okay to invest billions into protecting endangered species only to hunt and eat them.”
“Isn’t that hypocritical?” I asked.
“No, not at all. It’s part of my culture, and my ancestors have hunted elephants in our usual and accustomed grounds for generations. Don’t get ‘holier than thou’ on me, Justice. The elephant’s death was very humane. We threw spears at it for hours, and once one stuck and the elephant became exhausted, a fleet of Range Rovers swooped in to finish it off with a large-caliber rifle, as nature intended.”
Oppression runs in the family
I decided to broach another delicate topic. “How do you handle your white privilege?”
“Well,” he said, sipping his iced tea. “First of all, I’m gay, so that cancels a lot of it out. But yes, my family came over on the Mayflower, which gave me tremendous guilt. Until I realized—” he leaned forward excitedly, “—my ancestor on that ‘Ship of Entitlement’, George Soule, was a servant! You don’t know how relieved I was to finally understand why my life has been so hard. Losing the 8th-grade ASB treasurer election by four votes, waiting in line for things, it all made sense.”
I must have looked dubious because he added, “There’s a term for it. It’s called Generational Drama.”
Financial reparations: Dear King Charles… pay up
“What’s next for Clallam County Watchdog?” I asked.
“We’re expanding. Watchdog is now daily, but with the amount of news tips we get, we’re considering going hourly.” He took a dramatic pause. “But it’s time to think bigger.”
Tozzer leaned forward. “We need to solve the national debt. America has spent 249 years on its journey to self-reliance, but we just aren’t quite there yet. The problem? Britain. They never paid us for our independence. That’s why we at Clallam County Watchdog are drafting a letter of support to demand that Britain finally right this historical wrong by cutting us a check. We just want to be self-reliant, that’s all.”
Happy Pride
Our time was up, and Tozzer walked me to the door. As I descended the porch steps, a breeze picked up, and the flag on the pole began to stir.
“It’s about time for a little wind,” Tozzer mused. “I haven’t seen my Pride flag unwrap itself in days.”
I watched, expecting Confederate colors to unfurl. Instead, it was—wait. Red. White. Blue. Stars. Stripes. The American Flag snapped to life in the wind.
“What Pride flag?” I asked.
Tozzer grinned. “Right there. The one that represents all of us. We are all one Tribe—Tribe USA!”
Important Charter Review meetings
“Town Hall” Today, April 1, 5-7 p.m. at the Fairview Grange, 161 Lake Farm Road, Port Angeles. It is unclear whether Chairwoman Fisch and Commissioner Stoffer will permit fellow commissioners to answer questions from constituents.
Bylaws/Rules Committee, Thursday, April 3, 2025, at 4:00 p.m. in the Board of Commissioners Board Room, 223 East 4th Street, Room 160, Port Angeles. Virtual and in-person attendance instructions are here. This meeting is open to the public and is to address the First Amendment rights of Commissioners.
The third “Town Hall” will be held on Monday, April 7, 2025, from 6:00-8:00 p.m. at the Crescent Grange in Joyce, located at 50724 Highway 112, Port Angeles.
If you have questions or comments for the Charter Review Commission, please email the Clerk of the Board at loni.gores@clallamcountywa.gov or click here.
Didn't I tell you? My hair grew back!
TRIBE USA ONE NATION INDIVISIBLE
Wow! Thank you.